Running free

Today was great! Woke up early in the morning although I didn't have to go for school. Accompanied my mom and grandma to the hospital to get my grandma's medical report. The report turned out to be fine and am pretty happy that nothing really changed in my grandma's health. She was so happy today too as she did all those weird actions throughout the day. We then went to have mac breakfast which i really regretted ordering a meal because the calories were too damn high! Feeling so guilty eating so much and having said, this was the 3rd time in the week I am eating Mac breakfast! Speaking about healthy vacation(hahaha)! Anyway, managed to travel quite a few places to buy all the remaining stuff needed for my trip and packed my luggage during the afternoon. What really made my day was having able to skip judo training because I am busy settling my trip's stuff! Haha! I am so lazy to travel down all the way to train gosh. Of course i made it up with a run around the neighbourhood and although the calories burnt can't be compared to those i can burn in judo, i must say it's better than nothing! Considering on the unhealthy hash-brown hash-brown i ate in the morning and the late night french fries as supper! Man, I am so greedy! Really need to work out more and eat more healthily! What really went through my mind when I was running was, Breathing, posture and form, run away from all my troubles. Yeap, run away. It's like a temporary escape when I excercise, all those stress all those frustrations can be vent when i workout and this is the best part! I feel totally refreshed, relaxed, and much more fitter, adding more confidence to how i look and present to others! So I'm gonna train hard for my 8km run to RUN FREE!

Feeling so much better, emotionally and psychologically..

Well, writing my feelings out really made me feel so relieved and BOOMZ haha! Yeah, i admit I couldn't stop myself from tearing last night because of that huge disappointment piled up in me. I just need to let it all out and let it go~ And i believe most of them are gone after all this emotional sh*t I've gone through. And so, went back to school today for Global Citizenship pre trip consultation and it went well woohoo! But I'm kinda a little unhappy about Leslie. Like URGH, "I've many things to do", "can i have some volunteers?" and "i need you guys to stay". I am pretty sure most of us are enough with his last minute attitude and of course SURPRISES. Can't believe what kind of surprises we might get when we are in Kazakhstan man. Went for a ride in my new bike. It's pretty "high-end" i suppose, due to the difficulty in controlling it well. But, I'm pretty happy that my grandma decided to have a walk in the park with us, exercising, instead of staying home watching her television shows. :) Came back and caught the new drama just in time :) N of course, my dad finally brought down my winter clothings so that i can pack them in my luggage. Speaking of my dad, I'm pretty pleased that he attained the service recognition award of 25 years! So proud of him hahaha! But well, it seems that my family doesn't express our emotions well! I guess this explains my strong introvertness XD Sometimes I really can't stand myself acting all tough in front of others but I also hate to show the weak side of me to others.. Weird or weird? This really explains why I am so concerned about my image and reputation in front of strangers and friends! Tried working this out but nah, it's just really hard to change myself. Probably I will have to live with it for my whole life? sigh.. I need more close friends that I can trust and have a really deep heart to heart talk. N the person which I only talk about my deep secrets and thoughts is my mom hahaha XD thats because I truly believe she won't spill the beans and betray me. Strong sense of security ah?

Results day...

I must say I am grateful that someone created blogger because this is the place where I can pour out my sorrows haha! ALright, so today is results day and its also a day where the fruits of my labour of this first semester of my freshmen year in Polytechnic can be seen. I must say I didn't really have much confidence to check the results online for I have a bad feeling about it. Everyone was up early to check the results and me? Nah, I even overslept when I was supposed to meet my friends at 1pm. So I only checked my results on the bus. Well, when I saw the results i was like: "yeah, just as what i thought, but I couldn't believe it was that bad". For all the modules i took,I only got an A?! And ironically, the only module that I got A was public speaking, which is the one i had least confidence(thanks to myself being an introvert). I've got 2 C+ and AGAIN, ironically, my course was Psychology, and I took Psychologyh because I feel that I will study hard and do better because of my interest, but, WOW, the module which I got a C+ was foundation psychology A. HAHA. Others were B, yeah, B not even a B+. Freaking shag, "you reap what you sow." yeah, as if. I think I had never even studied that hard in my life before and my GPA is so damn low, 3.03. How to even get into Uni with this GPA?! I expected myself to get a 3.5 or at least a 3.3 and above but wow life is a joke. I tried to push my sadness away and met my friends anyway. Well, being with them made me have a few good laughs for the afternoon, but once I am alone, those disappointment in myself is back. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my mom about this result. Although I know that she knew that I did put in effort but this whole thing about being so disappointed in myself just refrain me from telling her. I just could't face her i suppose. Because i can't even face myself! I thought maybe i should work out and "run" away from these thoughts (pun intended) but I'm really too tired... Checked my phone and saw my friend said that the average GPA for the cohort was 3.5. BOOM! Wow, thanks like literally. I'm already suffering from disappointment and thanks for the salt. Now my wound hurt much more. My judo friend which is older than me said, work harder next sen, get an A for everything and your GPA will be 3.5. Wow, easier said than done? Feeling so pathetic, I don't even know what to do now. Haha, i know this seems retarded but I have the intention of quitting school XD and just join the police force. C'mon, the pay is so good and they only require physical fitness! I would really rather train myself to be stronger and fitter than suffer from all these emotional stress. Anyway, cut the crap, I've made up my mind, I will just continue to work hard, and when I graduate, if my GPA is not good enough to get into a local uni, i suppose i will just get my diploma cert and apply for the police force. Not just because of the pay but there's a job in there which i am really keen which is being a specialist especially a psychology one. In short, it's something like a criminal psychologist. I think I can just slowly work my way up to being a specialist. I can even save up money for uni when I am being a junior officer. Wink wink! I think this idea really just makes my life a whole lot better! Because all those worrisome and stressful stuff abt low GPA is all gone. I think life still give you many other alternatives so we should be more flexible and JUST GET ON WITH LIFE!

overthinking really kills

Well,the past few days were horrible for me, starting from the morning of Saturday. We were supposed to log in to our student portal to choose our Cross Disciplinary subjects (CDS)at 10am and at that time the portal was lagging like nobody's business! I waited for almost 45mins then i completed my submission. And this led me to be late for my Judo grading! I decided to wait for a cab at the MRT taxi stand and wow! not only was the queue amazingly long, but there is no sign of a cab at all! After almost 30 mins of waiting i had no choice but to dial a cab. I was really on the urge of crying when there is no sign of cab! It was quite lucky that i reached the dojo just in time b4 my grading start. Grading was horrible this time round. My coach assumed that i didn't practice for the grading?! I'm like wts? I practice 2-3 times a week almost 8 hours every week and you say that i didnt practice?! I can only say I am very unlucky to get an incorporative partner. She refused to fall when i applied the throw on her,and this led to coach's assumption being proved 'right'. Coach wanted me to do it in exam format although what i did was right. Sighpie. My friend and I hence were considered pass but we had to have a retest this coming Thursday. I am the kind of person who don't like people to judge me and thus this incident really had a great impact on me. I start to overthink a lot; will people look down on me because of this? Have i led my school team down? Will the beginners of the school team mock me when i retest on Thursday? Will the seniors be embarrassed of me because I 'failed' the grading? These questions race through my mind all day everyday. Having training almost everyday this week is tiring but, i guess it allowed me to transfer all these negative thinkings into energy during training. I am really dreading for the retest on Thursday. But what can i do? Sigh. Apart from all these, here's another problem that's still waiting for me to resolve. After choosing my CDS on saturday, i realised that the vacation CDS that i chose crashed with my first marathon and not only that, my parents even paid for mine. I am really utterly lost for words. What should i tell them? When should I tell them? Csn i refund for the marathon? ARGHHHHH Why is life being so hard T_T Getting all those blue blacks from training, sprained wrist, back ache (I don't know why too) and theres still so many challenges waiting for me to face. I really hope i can just disappear from the world right now. Sigh.

Therapeutic writing?

It's been long since I'm back writing on my blog! Well, I've successfully gotten into my dream course which is psychology! I was elated for a little while but the negative thoughts sets in real fast. As I got in via JPSAE unlike most of them thru JAE, I'm afraid I will not be able to 'fight' with them. But well after one term I think it's more of fight with urself than fighting with others! 

I guess I made right friends in my new sch? Yeap they are awesome! I'm able to be myself comfortably and change my quiet and reserved image! They definitely will make my poly life filled with fun I guess? 

Anyway, a few of them are into therapeutic writing n I researched about it, it seems pretty effective n I'm gonna give it a try for my blog entries since I'm quite a over-thinker! Alright, will update soon! There's many things in my mind that I can't wait to clear them all out 😭